Back In Chicago

And I am back in a whirlwind of PDFs to read, presentations, interviews, research, and "friend" building with my classmates. My California lifestyle disappears as I stare at my computer screen reading journals and case studies. My love of fresh produce subsides as the salad greens and fruit I bought two days ago is already covered in slime. The knots in my shoulders are already starting to come back and although I ride my bike in town, the feeling a freedom is gone.

I am depressed.


Two weeks back into school and I am hoisted into a new challenge with the City of Chicago's innovation center. My classmates are all back in the swing of things. I have one week to revise and submit my resume to a career fair and we parade our "skills" and qualifications for so and so consulting group, big corporations. "I want to do user experience design, I want to be a consultant, I want to tell stories, I want to be an innovation leader", my classmates say. I don't know what I want to do professionally.

I am lost.


After a never ending challenge starting at age 7 when I was thrust into Japanese school, I feel like I've been constantly fighting battles. Ending up in situations that were actually harder than I was prepared for and constantly panicking to catch up, to be at a certain level, often times I feel like I'm always thrown into an ocean, each one harsher, wilder and different than the others. Swallowing tears and almost drowning each time, I always learn how to manage, but then the ocean changes again. The results of leading this lifestyle has given me more awards, skills, accolades, experiences, degrees and accomplishments than most. But I also feel constantly pushed to keep moving forward, the challenges continue to come and I am always unprepared and swinging wildly.

I am exhausted.


I return to school and while I have friends at my school, they are also my competition--and we are undercutting each other to get into the "best" classes, work on the most "high profile" projects, and we all dream about getting that interview with the dream company. I try to make friends outside of school, and the moment I receive calls to see a movie or hang out... I need to go to a research interview. My new roommate starts to ask me what I want to do and I'm overcome with a sense of awkward jealousy as she waxes poetically about the company she has interviewed with and how she came to my school to obtain that dream. I have no-one outside of school to objectively talk to in Chicago.

I am lonely.


In nine more months this expensive torture will be over and I am more confused than ever as to where I am going. But an overwhelming feeling of "I don't care" is coming over me and I contemplate my options in life. Fuck I just don't know.

I am waiting.