Six years ago already

While cleaning up my computer, I stumbled on some old photos today.

When I graduated from college, I seriously entertained pursuing a career in photojournalism. But four months after my college graduation, 9-11 happened, and I tried to take photos for a journalism class, but all I could do was get depressed and sob. The stench, the air, the view and the overall depression and fear that we all felt was too much and I will never forget the look in the people working in the area, and the horrifying view of the rubble, dust, and signs posted all over the city and in Grand Central terminal for missing people. It was right then that I knew that I wasn't strong enough to be a glamorous, tough photojournalist, traveling around the world's conflicts and shooting photos for your life. My fantasies crumbled and I understood myself much better after that day. I also realized that I'm a pretty crappy photo journalist.

When I first saw the twin towers on fire, six years ago, I saw the two towers and the smoke, 40 blocks away straight down fifth avenue as purple smoke billowed into a crystal clear sky. When I learned that it was a terror attack, I evacuated my office building and went further uptown along with hundred of others, but I dared not stay out long enough to watch the towers crumble and go down. You never knew what was going to happen next so we just tried to get away from landmarks. "GO TO YOUR JOBS, EAT OUT, GO TO A PLAY, YOU'RE NEW YORKERS, YOU'RE TOUGH. DON'T CHANGE YOUR LIVES. DON'T LET THEM WIN," Guiliani barked at us and days, weeks and months would pass as military personnel overtook public transportation and every day a new threat would appear. The television news warned us, GAS ATTACKS! BOMB WARNING! ANOTHER TERROR ATTACK! WHAT IS THE GOVERNMENT IGNORING NOW? Everyday I got more and more scared paying attention to the news while obeying Guiliani's orders... and then I did something different. I turned off the TV and read the newspaper instead and the hysteria subsided. The fear remained unconsciously however and one night I jumped out of bed and ran for safety when thunder and lightning struck very close to home during a storm. All I could do was bitterly laugh when I realized what I had done. So this is fear. How sheltered have I been all this time! I realized.

Six years later, and I am in graduate school in Chicago. I've met a 50+ year old fellow student, who witnessed the event at an even closer scale than I did. Disoriented and re-evaluating his life, he's starting over now and repositioning his life's work from journalism to design. We look at each other and although we don't talk about it, we slightly know the underlying camaraderie of someone who was in NY then. Its been six years already... but only six years. September is the most beautiful month in NYC, but its beauty is forever tarnished in my mind as I will never forget that day, the most beautiful weather and the clearest blue sky when my life was knocked a bit off balance and I made my first advances towards being a real grownup. It was the most important graduation lesson in my life that kept repeating itself through my trip around the world. Life is fleeting and you never know what's gonna happen, keep living, this too shall pass.