The Dilemma of Freedom

Atlanta, Chicago, San Francisco, Boulder, Washington, NY, London, Tokyo, Berlin, Auckland, Shanghai; you can work anywhere in the world you want.

Jobs in websites, jobs in museums, jobs in advertising or design firms. Work for the government, work for a big company, work for a small company, work for profit, work for an NGO. You can work anywhere you want.

A mountain of opportunities, a mountain letters to write, a million paths to take and hundred of places to visit. A mountain of Friends to keep in contact with. A mountain of skills I want to hone, A mountain of topics to explore, learn and master. A mountain of books to read, a long list of art I want to see. A desire to create various types of art, a desire to cook a good dinner for friends. I have no house, no car, no husband, child, pet nor ties. I have an overwhelming mountain of freedom to do absolutely anything I want and I don't know which way to go.

Through childhood to my early twenties, I followed the path everybody told me to go and I was miserable doing it. A few days before I turned 25, I lied in a hospital bed in pain, swearing to make a change. That year I cut the cord and took a leap of faith to do what I really loved. For the last few years I've made decisions based on what I knew my heart wanted and I learned what I wanted and went where I wanted. Fueled by rebellion the leap was tough but I was so happy for making it. But now I've reached a point of confusion, rebel fuel is exhausted and I've lost my way. I'm so far off the original track that nobody knows what advice to extend.

"You have amazing work, a good background, you're smart, you're creative, you can do whatever you want... what do you want?"

I have no clue.

Its a curious luxury, obtained by few, and I'm starting to get used to everything being up in the air. But I wonder, is there anything I can do to make this situation better? Guess its time to make real decisions, carve my own path.

Time for a break?

Typing away furiously as usual at my computer I'm overcome with a dizzy sensation and I realize its back, that stupid mysterious illness. For two days I did as the doctor said and slept/passed out resting and on the third day, the mountain of work has gotten higher and the internship I had lined up has disappeared due to the economic recession.

For the last month I've been sending my resume to every company I could feasibly want to work. Freelancing is easy. Making cash is easy. A generic "internship" is quite possible. Finding an internship in a career path that I want is not. Combined with school, searching for work and this stupid motherfucking annoying as hell symptom that won't go the fuck away, I'm reaching a point in which I'm contemplating taking three months off and just doing causal freelance gigs.

I haven't "rested" for 15 years. Maybe its a sign? Should I just be irresponsible and travel for the summer? (nothing intense) Enjoy life for once?

So many questions and everything is up in the air.